


To Have And To Hold

by Chanlyeya



Category: The Letter (Visual Novel)
Genre: Blink and you'll miss it mention of Hannah Wright, F/M, Pining, Pining about Hand Holding, They're already dating but that won't stop Ashton Frey from pining like a champ, hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2019-01-01 03:59:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12148164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chanlyeya/pseuds/Chanlyeya
Summary: Seven months, and Zach thinks it's time to talk some sense into Ash. Seven months, and Ash thinks they might just be ready to hold hands.





	To Have And To Hold

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! If any of you are members of the discord; I present to you _the lewd_.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~I don't have a hand fetish. Ash does. I'm just channeling him, like all good authors~~
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks to Bibi for beta'ing, as always, and this time, thanks also to Dandy for proofreading. You guys are awesome (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ✧

The day had been a pleasant enough affair, though Ashton could not truly enjoy it, try as he might. And it was all Zach’s fault.

For the first time in months, the four of them managed to find time in their busy schedules to meet up. With Ashton’s recent promotion, it was usually him that caused the conflict of schedules, but McCollough commissioning Isabella to paint for some rich bloke in Ireland hadn’t helped much either. In the end, Ashton had to call in some favours with Chief Inspector Abigail Harris—a title that was going to take some getting used to—but Isabella had been adamant that he make time. Rebecca had won some fancy history award, and Isabella was determined to celebrate that same week, even if it meant leaving her job halfway finished. In fact, tomorrow she would be heading back to complete her assignment, which meant that she came back for less than half a day. A few hours together, a couple of hours asleep, and then, back onto the next train to Wales. He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of her in over a week, so he hadn’t been that upset with the idea. In fact, been looking forward to the day for quite awhile now.

No, it wasn’t the ever persistent knowledge that the Chief Inspector would hold this over his head until she found the most inconvenient of times to ask for the return favour that spoiled his evening, but rather Zach and that _stupid_ conversation they had days ago.

Zach had called him out for lunch a few days prior. With Isabella in Ireland, and Rebecca being as busy as any award-winning historian ought to be, Zach had thought it had been a good time to catch up, just the two of them. Seeing as the man had shown up at the precinct and Ashton had no reason to say no, he followed him out the door to their usual café. They ordered their respective dishes, of which Ashton refrained from indulging himself, knowing Rebecca would hear about it—if there was one downside to Zach and Becca’s closer friendship, it was definitely that.

Zach had kept the conversation light and easy as they waited for their orders to arrive. Asking about his day, whether he had any new major cases he could talk about, but the moment their food was placed in front of them and all easy talk flew out the window.

“So...you and Bella haven’t kissed yet?”

He asked at the moment Ashton took a bite, as though hoping he would choke on it. Ashton very nearly did.

“What?” he asked, once he dislodged his heart from his throat and nearly burnt his tongue chugging his hot chocolate. “We have!”

“When?” If Ashton hadn’t already been certain Zach had been looking for an amusing reaction, the smile the his friend gave him would’ve convinced Ashton of it now. He tried to force the heat crawling up the back of his neck back with a glare, but Ashton was not as successful as he would’ve liked.

“I don’t kiss and tell, Zach,” he said instead, trying to avoid the question.

“Or rather, you don’t kiss. Period.” Zach said, catching his attempt and ruthlessly crushing it.

“Where’d you even get that idea?” Ashton protested.

“You know Becca can get anything out of Bella if she tries, and her love life is something that girl is very interested in.”

Of course Becca was somehow to blame for this. “And she told you _why_?”

Zach laughed, before sending him a pitying look. “Well, she needed someone to complain to, and Bella doesn’t seem to mind too much.”

Ashton downed the last of his drink before heaving a sigh. Zach wasn’t going to let this go. He was learning that he really missed the times when Becca and Zach rarely saw each other without him or Isabella there to smooth things over.

“That’s kinda the issue,” he eventually admitted. “It’s been months since...since I _confessed_. She hasn’t exactly given any hints of _wanting_ to and I don’t want to rush things.”

Zach rolled his eyes. “As you said, it’s been _months_ , man. Bella’s not going to show any hint of _anything_ ; this is her first relationship, y’know? So, you’re gonna have to take charge. Now, I ain’t saying plant one on her when she least expects it, because, dude, you don’t do that. But Bella’s not gonna pick up on any of your _subtle_ hints, man! You’re gonna have to be a bit more direct. The girl can be as sharp as a box of crayons, especially when it comes to this kinda stuff. Still, seven months doing nothing but holding hands is going get boring, even for someone as dense as Belle.” That familiar heat was once more crawling up the back of his neck and Zach must’ve seen it, for he sent him an incredulous look. “You _have_ held hands, right?”

Ashton forced a cough as an answer. He would like to believe he was good at keeping a poker face, but it never seemed to work whenever Belle was involved. Zach, without a doubt, caught it.

“Really Ash? Seven months. _Seven_ _months_ man, and you haven’t even _held_ _hands_?”

“Would you shut it, Z-man? We’re doing things at our own pace!”

“It’s only considered a pace if you’re actually going somewhere. You’re at a standstill man! What have you been doing these coupla’ months?”

“Hey. We are busy. We’ll get there eventually.”

_“It’s hand holding, man!”_

“We text each other every day! She even sends good morning texts at stupid hours of the morning, _and_ _I_ _respond_.”

“And I’m sure that has your heart all aflutter, but seriously, man, what are you, a ten-year-old with his first crush?”

There were many things Ash wanted to say to that, including, but not limited to, reminding him that, until recently, Zach hadn’t even _dated_ a girl yet. The words caught in his throat however, and whatever blood he had left in his body rushed to his head. “Can you just...drop it?” he said instead.

Zach laughed again, quite clearly at _him_ , but to his credit, he dropped it. He still gave him a pointed look when Ash left, and bringing more attention to his own hand than strictly necessary when waving goodbye, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to say more; the seed was already planted, and in the few days before they met, it grew until the thought consumed Ash from the inside. He tried to put it out of his mind, and hoped Zach wouldn’t do anything to remind him.

Of course, as luck would have it, he and Zach were the first two to arrive, and as he raised his hand in greeting, any progress Ash made was immediately undone. On the bright side, before Zach had a chance to say anything more than the customary greeting, the girls arrived.

There was an awkward moment where Ash tried to figure out who he should greet first: his girlfriend, or the woman of the hour, but Isabella had quickly solved that issue for him, as she immediately ran to greet Zach. Which, okay, she hadn’t seen him in months and saw Ash just two weeks ago, but still, with the doubts plaguing his mind it would be nice to see her as conflicted as him. Becca gave him a look as he approached, and Ash wondered if his conflict was visible on his face, or if she was just using that sixth sense of hers that made it impossible to hide anything from her. He hoped it was the latter; while Isabella wasn’t likely to pick up on its meaning– _sharp as a box of crayons indeed_ –he did not want to deal with a smug Zach.

After a quick hug, Becca left his side to greet Zach, and Isabella took her place. She was all smiles as she hugged him, even if she pulled away much too quickly for his liking.

“Keeping the fires to a minimum, are we?” she asked, the teasing clear in her voice.

“Depends,” he jibed back. “Sleeping without the nightlight alright?”

She smacked him, but with less force than she normally would, and didn’t move from his side even as she turned to address Becca once more. “So, thanks to Zach and Ma’am Hannah,” she said, “we managed to book a private tour of Luxbourne Municipal Museum. They’ll be opening a new exhibit on Charlotte Ermengarde starting tomorrow, and it only felt appropriate that you’d be its first guest!”

“You didn't have to do that,” Rebecca started, and that was the incentive Isabella needed to leave his side. She put both hands on Rebecca’s back and pushed her towards the door, all while launching into a tirade of why, exactly, they did in fact _need_ to do that. Ash followed shortly after, not wanting to be stuck outside with Zach, in case the man had more things to say about their relationship.

With the amount of planning Isabella and Zach had put into the day, Ash wished he could say he enjoyed it. Alas, he could barely remember much other than the feel of the AC on his skin, and Isabella’s fingers brushing his with every step they took. To start with, a museum wasn't exactly his idea of fun. He had seen enough of them growing up with a history nerd, after all. The day wasn't planned for him however, so he wasn't going to complain. To be fair, considering his group of friends _was_ made of two artists and the aforementioned history nerd, he should be thankful they hadn't dragged him to them more often. The few times they did, it was interesting enough to catch his attention, but with Isabella _right_ _there_ and that seedling of an idea taken root, it was impossible to think of anything else.

Zach was being unhelpful as well. Positioning himself right beside Becca, and turning to acknowledge Bella behind them, he kept her from feeling the need to further approach them and remain at his side. And every time he did so, he caught Ash’s eye for a second, before ever so subtly nudging his head in her direction. Refusing to back down from the unspoken challenge, Ash glared, but slowly shuffled closer to her between one exhibit and the next.

Isabella didn't seem to notice, even though once they got close enough that Ash could brush his fingers against hers _accidentally_. And while she remained oblivious, soon enough it was all he think about. The museum, the others, the _very_ _reason_ they came here left his mind until all he could register was the feel of her skin against his, with every light brush of hands he initiated. She never pulled back, and for a moment, he wondered if Isabella was just waiting for him to take the plunge. For her, he was more than willing to.

Closing his eyes, he gathered his fleeting courage, and nonchalantly reached over and wrapped his hand around…

Nothing.

The world came rushing back with the sound of Zach’s laughter, and he opened his eyes to search for Belle, and noticed she had sidestepped him. She was watching Zach curiously as he laughed loud enough for their tour guide to berate him, Rebecca trying to hide her giggles beside him. Isabella asked what they were laughing about, but Ashton didn't bother listening to whatever bullshit excuse they came up with.

She sidestepped him. _She_ _sidestepped_ _him_. Was that her way of saying it was too soon? Screw what Zach said; he knew seven months wasn't long enough, and he swears, if Zach just ruined his chances with Belle by making him look _too_ _damn_ _eager_ to hold her hand, there would be hell to pay.

From that point on, he seemed unable to close the distance between them. Any time they got close enough to brush shoulders, she would step away, as if wanting to maintain a certain distance from him. The last hour was just one moment after another, and by the time their tour came to an end, Ash had gotten no closer. Forget holding hands, simply standing side by side was becoming a challenge.

He tried to hide his disheartened expression, but the others were quick to catch on. Finally, Zach took pity on him. Maybe realizing he was responsible, he asked Isabella aside, stating he wanted to check something out. He pulled her away, leaving Ash behind with an amused Rebecca.

“You would think the pining would end after you start dating,” she said, once it was just the two of them. “But it's looks like it’s only got worse.”

Ash flopped onto a nearby bench and slumped backwards, letting his head hang back until it rest against the wall. He made sure he left enough room for Becca, and sure enough, she seated herself beside him. “Pretty sure you got your fill of amusement out of this earlier. You and Zach both.”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry for laughing at your kick puppy face,” she apologized, even as she held back another smile. Ash most assuredly did _not_ pout in turn. “But, you know she didn't actually _mean_ anything by it, yes?”

“I don't know Becca, I thought she was being pretty clear. A big, bold DO NOT TOUCH sign would’ve been more subtle.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t have a headache, the ache was further south, but grabbing his chest had never helped him think before. “I mean, I went to reach for her hand. There wasn’t much else I could be doing. And she sidestepped me. _She_ _sidestepped_ _me_ , _Becca_. What does that say other than ‘ _sorry, Ash, your hands suck and I don’t wanna touch them because they’re ew.’”_

“Okay, now you’re just being dramatic.”

“Well, excuse me for being dramatic! You try holding your girlfriend’s hand only to have her reject you. Is she even still my girlfriend? Or, am I going back to the one-sided pining, where I’m never sure if I have a right to even _say_ anything to her.”

“Ashton, no one is breaking up with anyone.”

“How do you know? Maybe the no hand holding is just the beginning. What if she says this isn’t working out? You don’t know what it’s like, to love someone who’s so close, just _right_ _there_ , but they don’t even notice–”

“Really?” Rebecca said flatly. The incredulity dripping from that one word alone stopped his train wreck of a thought process, as he was reminded of just who he was talking to, and _what_ _she_ _told_ _him_ _not_ _ten_ _months_ _prior_. “Because, I _quite_ recall telling you about the feelings I had for a certain _idiot_ for seventeen years, while he, with all his detective intuition, was _completely_ unable to pick up on!”

“Becca, I–”

“Shut up before I shove my own foot in your mouth.”

Ashton didn’t need to be told twice, and immediately shut his mouth. His own foot was company enough.

Rebecca sighed, and though the look she gave him was still heated with irritation, she didn’t look truly _angry_ , at least not yet. “Look, Ash, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.” She smiled, and though it was strained, he recognized an olive branch when it was offered. He took it without a moment’s hesitation. “Seeing as how you’re _clearly_ not thinking properly. You _will_ make up for that slip up later, by the way, but that’s not the issue at the moment. The issue is that you’re looking for signs that just _aren’t_ _there_. I’m sorry I laughed Ash, and I’m sure Zach feels the same way, but while your hints weren’t exactly _subtle_ to either him or I, knowing Isabella, they completely flew over her head. She more than likely thought she was in your space and you were asking her to move.”

“Oh, yeah–”

“You’re not allowed to talk yet.” He wisely shut his mouth. “Look, I understand where you’re coming from, but you must remember that until recently, the idea of a relationship never even crossed Belle’s mind. She was too focused on her family. Things that are obvious to you and me are things she just hasn’t yet learned. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to date her, but, you love her, don’t you? You have for nearly as long as we’ve known her.”

Not knowing whether or not Rebecca would allow him to speak yet, and not wanting to push his luck after his insensitive comment, he let his smile answer for him. It was small, true, but it filled him with a warmth that only _she_ could invoke in him. It was just as well that he respond with something small, yet powerful, like all the moments that found Ash falling for her piece by piece until the puzzle was complete and all he felt was pure, unadulterated love.

The smile must’ve been enough though, because Becca didn’t push him anymore as she stood to stand before him. “Good, now stop being a baby, and go hold her hand. And before you say anything, no, it can not be anything else; while that in no way makes up for your earlier comment, it’s a step in the right direction.”

Ash opened his mouth to object, to say that he’d already made a big enough fool of himself for one day, when Isabella’s voice spoke up.

“Uh-oh, are you two fighting again?”

Ashton looked up to see that the others had joined them once more. Isabella had her arms crossed as she gave him a look, completely bypassing Rebecca, as if any hypothetical fight would be entirely his fault. Granted, if Rebecca had decided to start a fight, she would be entirely justified after that comment of his, so maybe she wasn’t too far off.

Rebecca simply brushed her off with a laugh. “Nonsense! We’re not children in need of constant supervision, after all.”

Isabella didn’t look entirely convinced for a moment, before shrugging as she decided to let it drop. “If you say so,” she said dubiously. “So, I didn’t plan this far. Where do you guys wanna go next?”

“Actually, I think we ought to call it a day,” Becca said. Isabella opened her mouth to object, but Becca leveled her with her best _mom_ glare, complete with her hands on her hips, a slightly raised eyebrow, and the smallest incline of her head so that Becca looked down her nose at her. “It’s getting late, and _you_ have an early train to catch. We can see each other again when you’re back in Luxbourne. Now, shoo! I can drive Zach back, and Ash will walk you to the dorms. ”

With a quick hug to the both of them, during which Becca reminded him that he, under duress though it may be, promised that he would try one last time today. She brokered no room for argument, pulling Zach with her as she rushed off before he even had a chance to give him a proper goodbye. As they turned the corner and out of sight, Isabella turned to him and raised an eyebrow.

“Are you _sure_ you didn’t get into an argument?”

Ashton sighed, but started walking in the direction of her dorm. Isabella was quick to fall into step beside him. “I said something stupid, but no, we didn’t get into an argument.”

“In other words, if Becca hadn’t been the bigger person, you would have. Honestly Ash, we came out today to _celebrate_ _Becca_. Could you not be an idiot for one day?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’ll make up for it later. I just...had other things on my mind.”

“You got a new case? Who am I kidding, what else would you be thinking of?”

 _You, but that’s nothing new,_ he thought, but he kept his mouth shut.

“Do you wanna talk about it? I could probably help smooth things over with Becca?”

“No, I definitely do not want to talk about it.”

  
Isabella gave him a look for his harsher than necessary tone, and wisely dropped the subject. An apology was on the tip of his tongue, but upon seeing that she was pointedly ignoring him, he dropped it. Ashton sighed.

 _Great job man; be an insensitive asshole and piss off your girlfriend, all over some fucking stupid hand holding_.

He wasn’t good with words. He could think up poetry and other ridiculously sappy stuff on a dime, but the moment he went to say something, it was like the words got lost along the way. If he hadn’t practiced his confession before all those times he was overcome with the desire, he probably would’ve messed that up too. Actions were how he spoke; because with actions, small gestures planned carefully, he could express himself without having to worry about accidentally insulting the person he was trying to endear. Something like a pat on the head, a flick on the forehead, a nudge to the side, a holding of–

Oh.

_Oh!_

He was an _idiot_.

No wonder both Zach and Becca decided to grill him over something as _stupid_ as hand holding. They knew him, and they knew the way he was around _her_ and, knowing he would never find the words to say, they were suggesting ways for him to express himself. Becca hadn’t been exaggerating when she said Isabella was uneducated in this _thing_ they had. The fact that she had asked him out all those months ago was surprising in itself; she had probably taken a huge leap out of her comfort zone in doing so.

And what had she said at that time? That while she didn’t feel the same way, she believed she _could_ and was willing to give it a try if he was. And she had tried! Asking him out, going on dates, maybe even just calling him daily, those were all attempts on her end to make this work, but what had he done? _Nothing_! Too afraid to rock the boat and accidentally _ruin_ everything, he was content with just letting her lead things. He was the one with experience, yet he closed his eyes and let her blind ones lead, when all he had to do was _open_ them, and things would go so much smoother.

Realizing that if this was going to work, he was going to need to overcome his insecurities. He took a deep breath and stepped further into her space. He wiped the pooling sweat in his palms against his pant leg, and reminded himself that he had faced worse; he’d faced arsonists and murderers, survived a ghost, watched some maniac try to eat his own eyeball, and, while none of those made his heart pound quite as hard or as quickly as this, it was proof that he could _hold some girl’s hand._

Not that Isabella was just some girl. She wasn’t. She hadn’t been since that night on the bridge, and he didn’t think she would ever be one again but–

He was getting himself worked up again, so he shut down that train of thought, reached over, and grabbed her hand in his.

It was so small, _miniature_ compared to his, and he felt her muscles stiffen at the unexpected contact. He saw her turn to look at him out of the corner of his eye, but he refused to glance in her general direction. If she was going to reject him, he would accept it, but he didn’t want to see it.

He felt her move, flexing her fingers to loosen his hold on her hand. He panicked as his mind whirled. Was Zach wrong? Was he going too fast? Maybe Becca was wrong and she _had_ noticed his fingers brushing hers and had been trying to let him down gently by giving him space. Great, nearly five years of longing and constant pining, and he ruins within the year by being _too damn eager to hold her hand!_ Of fucking course he would ruin this too!

Before he could release her hand completely and berate himself further, Isabella played with the hand holding hers, wiggling her fingers until they fell between his, and clasped them firmly together. A soft chuckle left her as she squeezed his hand once encouragingly. That all too familiar heat crawled up the back of his neck, and he looked away before she could catch it.

The rest of the walk was made in silence, with Isabella swinging their joined hands ever so slightly. Ash debated whether he should release it to wipe the newly gathered sweat off, but he wasn’t certain he could just nonchalantly clasp their hands together again. So he did nothing, and left it up to her to decide when to break away. Now that he had it, he had no intentions of letting her hand go.

Ash had to, once they reached her dorm, though. He extended the time by entering the building and walking her directly to her door, but eventually, he had to let her go. Becca wasn't lying about the early train ride, and while Ash wanted nothing more than to follow her in, mess be damned, and just sit with her, Belle would regret it come morning.

If Ash wanted this relationship to work, and by god he did, he needed to let go. Not of her hand, though that too would have to be released, but of his doubts and insecurities. Ash wouldn't be rid of them, not entirely, but he couldn't let them control him. As Bella’s boyfriend, as her friend, the least he could do was try and meet her halfway when she was risking so much just to give him a shot. Because, that's what mattered in the end, wasn't it? That she was willing to try.

  
Ash smiled as he said goodbye, forcing himself to look Bella in the eye, even as the embarrassment threatened to overwhelm him. Ash squeezed her hand once before letting go. He didn't need a grand gesture; _they_ didn't need a grand gesture of any kind. Their’s was a song not made of thunderous declarations and adulations, but of whispers, fragile and insignificant, that together crescendoed until it drowned out all else. And this, was just another moment that made it louder.

**Author's Note:**

> It doesn't get mentioned since it's in Ash's pov, but this whole thing starts because Isabella complains to Becca about how she doesn't think this is working out, Ash just doesn't seem that interested. But, Becca's not gonna break her trust, so instead she tries to hound the idea into Ash's head, with Zach's help. They didn't realize just how bad it was though.
> 
> I thought I should let you guys know just how important Becca and Zach are to the survival of this relationship ;)


End file.
